Running in Place

“Daniel Laruso’s gonna fight? Daniel Laruso’s gonna Fight!” There have been few movies in my life that has impacted me like the Karate Kid. I actually have a friend who will argue with you that the Karate Kid (Part I) was the movie that influenced all movies that would come after. But what isn’t there to like about Daniel Laruso’s story. I used to wake my mom up extra early to roll up a bandana just so I could wrap it around my head, and go flying around my living room in my robe at 5am kicking couch cousins like they were Johnny Lawrence’s Face! But what I realize about this movie, is that much like classic stories such as the Man in the Iron Mask or the Count of Monte Cristo; or classic movies such as Rocky IV and the Revenge of the Nerds; the Karate Kid set a tone for my life. That somehow when life knocks you down, you can make a plan, stick to it, and come out on top in the end.

There’s just one problem. It’s MY plan. I understand that from a young age I was taught that I was an individual. I was unique. And somehow, being a unique individual meant that somehow I was in control of my destiny. I think we all like to think that. We all like to think that if we train hard enough, or think hard enough, or love enough that somehow we can write out what our future will look like. However, I think that while it is important to embrace the fact that God has indeed made us unique, we must also realize that we are made unique with our own gifts so that it fits into a bigger picture. God’s picture.

“Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” - Proverbs 19:21

We are creatures who obsess over power. We want power. We fight for it. We crave it. When we feel powerless, we tend to feel like we are useless. And sometimes when we read text such as the one above from Proverbs, we rebel. We often times mix up the idea that if God is in control, we are powerless. Except we miss one important element of what texts like this really mean. If God is driving the bus, we are empowered through Him. I agree that we should never bow to another human in terms of them dictating what your plan is. But bowing to the God that loves us so much, He came down to climb up on a tree to free us from the brokenness in this world does not mean that we are without power, or left to drift.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” - Jeremiah 29:11

I am a fighter. No doubt. When I was a kid, unfortunately, I thought that fighting meant that I was taking the world by the horns and declaring that I was going to steer my life in the ways I wanted it to go. But what I find myself fighting for now is the most worthy, righteous and humbling goal I can ask for. I am fighting to completely lay myself at the feet of God. To listen to the message that Christ came to die for, and make myself subject to God’s ultimate plan. That is where I want to be. Squarely in the palm of God’s hand. This is where my heart craves to reside. And how, and where, and what is not for me to steer. This does not mean that I am saying that I am a puppet or a robot. That somehow I am not a part of what is happening in every moment I am blessed to live. It is quite the opposite. It is on me to be obedient, to align my heart with the Wisdom that comes from Creator. And as a phenomenal friend reminded me the other day, “Creator doesn’t make trash.”

We may all be clay, but that clay is a material that is more valuable that any treasure we can search out in this world. And while we dream of what shape we will be formed, and often times we tear ourselves apart to become that “vase” or “dish,” we forget that what God can make us is infinitely better quality than anything we can create on our very best day. So I am humbly submitting myself to the maker’s hands. Totally and completely, at least to the very best of my ability. And what has come from this journey has been a peace that I cannot comprehend. I am on fire right now. I am burning inside like I have never raged before. I have found happiness on a level that I have not known before. And it’s not easy. But it’s worth everything I have ever known before. When I think about the people in my life that I love, the best thing I can ever pray for is that they may know the plans that God has for them. To love myself, is to line my heart and soul up with this plan.

This brings me to ask, “God what are you up to?” A lot. And the response that I get back is something that blows me away. What He is up to in my life is building a work of art that I have a hard time believing I am worthy of being. Yet I want to be that work. I want to be molded. Every inch, every breath. Remembering that God’s ability as Creator is beyond my wildest imagination. And I am so madly in love with that kind of life that I cannot stop myself from being drawn deeply into that place.

Thank you God! Thank you Jesus for making any of this possible. Thank you Spirit for filling me with everything good that comes from God.

“Yet you, LORD, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.”

-Isaiah 64: 8

Broken yet building...

(*Yep this is a disclaimer. I am about to talk about human brokenness. I am not responsible for what comes from these words. This is something we all experience, whether or not you acknowledge it. I ask one thing of you as the reader. Read this without an analyzing lens. This is just one person's perspective of the brokenness that attaches itself to the human experience.)

When I was a young boy, I saved up my money and went down to the local hardware store and bought what was known as a "wrist rocket." This is basically a sling shot that had some modifications to make it powerful enough to hunt small game. For all the poor rabbits and birds out there, this was an invention that spelled death incarnate. Only a few days had passed, and I had begun to become bored with shooting rocks at a paper target posted on my chain link fence. I felt that I needed a more elusive target. I felt that confident in my sling shooting abilities. One day, I found that an innocent rabbit had wandered close enough to my house to become a suitable target. I loaded my wrist rocket with a rock, and took my aim. I was about 40 feet from this rabbit. I let go of the rock, and watched as this rock flew and struck this rabbit straight between the eyes. An expert marksman would have congratulated me on a great shot. But what followed was an instant sense of remorse. I still remember the guilt only felt by humans over their destruction of God's Creation.

I start this post with this description of one of the first of my experience with human guilt, because I feel it frames the setting for this post all too well.

I have recently had the absolute joy of becoming an uncle. My beloved brother and sister in law recently created a beautiful baby girl. I got to have the privilege of having the honor of becoming this amazing baby girl's godfather. One of the privileges that comes with being the godfather/godmother of a baby is to purchase this child's baptismal cups, sometimes called a Christening Cup. When discerning a Bible verse to have etched in this cup, I had to make a decision between two of my favorite Bible verses. Micah 6:8 and Proverbs 1:7. Both of these verses articulate messages that I would desperately want my new niece to remember for the rest of her life. I settled on Proverbs 1:7. "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction." I felt this is where we, as a blessed Creation of God, must all start our journey. The obedience to a Greater Wisdom must be the beginning of our own perception.

Karl Barth talks about Jesus as the God's revelation of his Divinity and His revelation of true Humanity. Jesus was both the TOTAL incarnation of God's love for us as a human race, and His revelation of what it means to be TRULY human. He claims that it is in Jesus' model that we can begin to understand the truly divine revelation of God with each other. It is in our relation. When we let down our walls and truly share our experience with one another, God's Holy Spirit is present in that moment. The "Anonymous" programs, such as AA and Narcotics Anonymous and all other programs connected to this line of thinking, operate from this premise. That when we, as a genuine human creation, share our unique and genuine experience of life, we can share a truly divine gift of understanding. A priest, who was giving a moving and life changing seminar on shifting our attitudes towards the addiction of alcoholism said it best. "Hasn't every drunk who has died from their disease of alcoholism, paid the price of sobriety for us all?" What I observe from this man's perspective is that no person who has suffered and died from the disease of alcoholism in vain. That somehow, God willing, we learn something from every precious person dying from this affliction.

This is the heart of why I write this blog. I don't write this blog to heighten my own experience of life. I am not looking for acclamation or notoriety from sharing my experience. I use this image when describing the power behind each person's experience of life, when describing the life changing phenomenon of telling others "our story." You never know the power behind the things you choose to share with your fellow brothers and sisters. You never know the true extent of the impact of sharing your heart with others.

I have recently undergone a life changing experience. I am not proud of this experience. Yet, I know that something terrifying and terrific lay amongst the ashes of my own experience. Going back to the revelation of Proverbs 1:7, I feel compelled to share this experience with you. It is my greatest hope that somewhere amongst the rubble of my life's ashes, that you will gain knowledge and wisdom.

We, as a human race, are broken. We cannot deny this. In fact anyone who says they are truly "whole" is someone we should approach with great care and caution. For it is in this belief of wholeness, that we deny God's presence. It is the equivalent of someone walking up to you, with many bleeding bullet wounds, saying that they are truly "okay." As a human, knowing what we know of our own frailty, we know that this person is believing a lie. The human experience of brokenness is experienced and articulated all around us. Please journey with me through two examples of the human expression of this state.

The first example I bring to you is a song from the soundtrack from the movie "Once." In this song we hear of one person's experience of being betrayed and broken due to the consequences of giving one's heart to another person.

"All the Way Down."
(Written and Performed by Glen Hansard.)

You have broken me all the way down. Down upon my knees. And you have broken me all the way down. Now You'll be the last, you'll see. And some fight you gave. When I pushed you away From me. And in the morning. When you turn in I'll be far to sea. And you have broken me all the way down, You'll be the last, you'll see. And what chance have we got, When you missed every shot For me. And in the morning, When you turn in I'll be out of reach. And in the darkness, When you find this I'll be far to sea. And you have broken me all the way down. You'll be the last, you'll see.

When I read these lyrics, I am reminded of another piece of human experience that has been articulated so that we may all learn from the human experience. This next example may be something that has been familiar to many of you. This is a part of the Lutheran Worship Liturgy. I truly believe that each example is expressing the same feeling that each of us humans must face.

We confess that we are in bondage to sin, and cannot free ourselves. We have sinned against you in thought, word and deed, by what we have done, and by what we have left undone. We have not loved you with our whole heart, we have not loved our neighbors as ourselves. For the sake of your son, have mercy on us. Forgive us, renew us and lead us, so that we may delight in your will and walk in your ways, to the glory of your holy name. Amen.
(Lutheran Book of Worship published by Augsburg Publishing House and the LCA Board of Publication, 1978.)

In the destruction of my own plans for life, what I have learned is that I cannot separate myself from the one element of life that makes us all human. Brokenness.

I look for other writings that stem from other paths of belief to reinforce this idea. The Sufi Poet Rumi, otherwise know as Jalāl ad-Dīn Muḥammad Balkhī, wrote the following words in the 13th Century: "Beyond our ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there lays a field. I will meet you there." What I take from this man's words, is the understanding that when we move beyond our own moralistic ideas of the human experience, what we find is a common ground on which all humanity stands. We are broken. Our own human understandings and categorizing of these experiences do no more good that trying to refill the ocean by constantly gathering the incoming tides, and pouring them back into the ocean. Trying to refill the waters that roll onto the beach, according to God's Creative Pattern, does not more good that trying to put out the biggest forest fire with our own spit.

We are a broken people. There is no getting away from that. But what we must face, as individual units of Creation, is the decision to share with our brothers and sisters our own experiences. When we profoundly face the experiences of our own brokenness and choose to keep it to ourselves, it is the equivalent of finding the cure for Cancer and keeping it to ourselves. When we choose to share the unique and significant experience of brokenness with each other, we are bowing the Power of God to shape our words to be agents of change for one another. I am not talking Obama's sense of Change. I am squarely talking about the Power of God to shaped and mold us. (Jeremiah 8:1-11) We must share with one another the depths of our hearts. However, it is not just a responsibility of those who share. Those who listen to these stories must be equally responsible. Those who hear their brother or sister's experience with brokenness is faced with the task of framing these words to be a moving force within their own hearts.

We are broken. We cannot run from it. But this is not an empty brokenness. As God redeems even the nonredeemable, we must realize that when we share our hearts, we participate in providing a very real, human substance that God molds to invade the hearts of our neighbors.

This is extremely dangerous and risky. Don't get me wrong. This scenario is one of the most profoundly uncomfortable experiences we will all face. However, according to Barth, it is in our relation to one another that we come face to face with the Image of God.

Don't fool yourselves. God is working through you. God is working through your pain. You are not suffering in vain. You NEVER know what God has in store for your experience with brokenness. Do not keep it from one another. Bless one another with sharing you heart. For those who are hearing the words of your broken brothers and sister, do what you can to hear their words apart from a moral analysis. There words are not meant to be subject to our own human judgment. The words of the broken are meant to be ways in which God breaks into your heart. God works through our brokenness to shout the message of God's love to one another. Live in the uncomfortable. It is in the discomfort, that God brings us to the most righteous place we can ever inhibit. Our knees.

I love you. I may not have even met you. However, I know that God made me to relate to you. God has made me, and in fact, God came to earth in Jesus in order to exemplify what it truly means to live in a self-giving love.

Don't be misguided. This is tough. This takes courage. This is the fundamental meaning of being Brave. Laying down your life for your brother or sister does not exclusively mean sacrificing your physical being for one another. Your heart is a part of this. It is my prayer that you will share your heart with me, and with one another.

For it is in your heart, on our knees, that we come face to face with the Loving God.

Surrender does not mean weakness. It is up to you.

What are you going to do with your brokenness?

(I want to thank you for reading this from your best heart. It is the only heart that we ought to lead with.)

JT

Paradox...uff dah!

It has been awhile since I have posted anything on this blog. I have been journeying through one of the hardest times of my life. And what has made this time so difficult for me is the presence of paradox in the situation I am facing.

Paradox is defined: "a statement or proposition that seems self-contradictory or absurd but in the reality expresses a possible truth. Any person, thing, or situation exhibiting an apparently contradictary nature." (Dictionary.com)

I think paradox is a constant presence in life. As humans, we are faced with countless situations where the reality of life does not line up with the natural perspectives we want so desperately to hold regarding our lives. Our perspectives, informed by our nature, our upbringing, our context/culture, our faith development, our family systems, and our own desire to have a solid sense of homeostasis in our lives, serve as our stronghold for feeling like we have some grasp on our own identity and how we see ourselves "fitting" in this world. The progression of thought through the Modern and Post-Modern Eras, informed by the time of Enlightenment, has not always served us well when dealing with paradox. The thinking that came out of the eras that proceeded our existence has placed an exclusive value on the importance of empiricism. Empiricism, for lack of a better way to describe it, basically states that the things we perceive create our reality. Descartes is famous to the saying, "I think therefore I am." However, what happens when the things we perceive do not fit nicely in the matrix of understanding that this way of thinking creates? What happens when we sit in the midst of a confusion that our human logic and understanding cannot adequately resolve the conflicts we face? It is this phenomenon that we must work through if we hope to continue in life without a severe feeling of discomfort that cannot be dismissed by just saying "I have no clue." There are times where giving up our logical and cognitive understanding cannot progress us through our troubles.

Walk with me through this situation. There is currently a criminal trial going on in Florida that stirs strong emotion in anyone who is following it. Casey Anthony is a young woman who is accused of killing her two year old daughter. During the proceedings of this trial, the prosecuting counsel called Casey's mother to the stand to witness to the character, activities, and mindset of her own daughter. After an emotional testimony, Cindy Anthony walked off the stand and mouthed the words "I love you" to the daughter who is being accused of one of the worst sins/crimes a human could ever commit. And even in the midst of the mass of evidence against her daughter, Cindy Anthony found strength in herself to remind her daughter of the core feeling that she feels for her kin. Any mother or father can relate to this paradox. While being held accountable to the truth that Cindy Anthony knows about her daughter, she still holds another truth in equal importance. As a mother, no matter how far her daughter has strayed in life, Cindy Anthony still loves her daughter like no one else on this planet. However, when mouthing the words "I love you," to Casey, the response of the daughter towards her mother articulated a whole other emotion. Betrayal. While the psychological condition of both the mother and daughter can be reasonably called into question, there exists two conflicting and contradicting realities. Casey Anthony very well may be guilty for murdering her daughter, however, Cindy Anthony still loves her daughter in the midst of all the accusations.

So where do we go when we are faced with a situation that does not logically resolve itself with the presence of the truth we understand? The human race is faced with a paradox that surrounds us at every turn. There is enough food in this world to feed all people, however we still have children, and people in this world who go without the necessary nutrition to sustain life. There are governments and systems that continue to exploit some people in the world, while providing the basic humans rights for another group of people. We cannot get away from this paradox.

Journeying through this paradox is a painful experience. We must move beyond the conclusions that serve as a source of comfort for our own understanding to reach a place where we can begin to understand our own existence. I believe that in order for us to reach this place, we must bow to an understanding/wisdom that can hold these paradoxes in understanding. I am currently enrolled in a class that is taught by a teacher from Ghana. This professor, in his unique and natural understanding of life, has urged my class to move beyond the "box" that we create in order to understand the world, and to try to hold a perspective that lays outside of our logical understanding. And while I am not a fan of denying our own conscious or understanding, I do believe that in a place of paradox, we must know that our logical, natural understandings do indeed lead us to a place where we must reflect and deal with the conclusion that we do not have the ability to hold the contradicting elements of life, at times, within our own understanding.

There is something bigger than us out there, that governs, sustains, and can adequately deal with the contradictions of the human condition. This is a phenomenon in life where our release of cognitive mastery over life is a necessity in order for us to move forward. We must trust in the fact that God can hold the conflicts and contradictions in the upright and correct understanding. God can in fact redeem the nonredeemable. God can operate outside of the lines and laws of our existence. He can indeed hold all people and situations, regardless of the conflict their existence creates, in His Love.

Faith is the belief in things unseen. Sometimes the resolution we crave dwells in the place we cannot see. When we defer to God's wisdom, we are not weak. In my opinion, when we bow to God's wisdom, we are operating the true sense of obedience. There is strength in that.

Youth Ministry

I have been working in Youth Ministry since I was a teenager. I have been working in Youth Ministry professionally (getting paid for it) for over 6 years now. And while there have been moments of serving in this capacity that I would rather forget, (i/e: having people ask me what I do for a living even after I have told them I am a Youth Director, sleeping in an unheated entryway floor of a church in Flagstaff, AZ when it was 15 degrees out, having someone stop me on the way to Communion to ask me about an upcoming program, the lack of exotic vacations I have taken based on monetary savings, having most weekends booked with some sort of church activity, not spending Christmas with family because somehow being at Christmas Eve service was going to skyrocket youth group attendance, etc.) I must say that Youth Ministry has been a life changer for me. Youth Ministry has allowed me opportunity to be in the presence of some of the greatest human beings I have ever had the chance to know. I have had a chance to walk with young men and women through some of the finest life has to offer, as well as some of the most heartbreaking situations. As much as I would like to think that I have made a difference in these young people's lives, the truth is that my life has been so richly blessed by them. They have been the motivation to keep going at times. They have been the reminder that in Faith we truly can do all things through God who strengthens us. They have helped me heal. I have laughed with them. I have cried with them. I have slept on floors and built houses with them. We have travelled to the Yakima Valley, Big Timber Montana, New Orleans, San Antonio, Tecate Mexico, Tijuana Mexico, Kalispell Montana and countless other places together. We have climbed 50 ft in the air together to conquer a high ropes course. We have helped rebuild a school in Louisiana. We helped build a playground for a shelter for abused women and children. We have packed lunches for the homeless. You get the point. They have been examples of faith come to life for me and I for them. They have made every sacrifice worth it, and I wouldn't choose any other route for my life. They have helped me to find the courage to follow a call that God has placed on my heart since I was a young boy.

This coming weekend, I will get the opportunity to be the keynote speaker at the Southwestern Washington Synod Middle School and High School Youth Gathering. Four talks; three and a half hours of presenting. And I CAN'T FREAKIN WAIT! This has been my dream for so long. This was my dream since I heart Donald Miller speak. This has been my dream since I saw Tony Campolo speak at CLU. But here's the thing. I don't just want to be good at it. I want to be memorable. Don't get me wrong here. I don't care if they remember my name. I don't care if they remember what I look like, or that I was articulate, or funny, or charming. (Even though I am all of those things! HA!) What I do care about is that when those young men and women look back at their life and look for God moments, that some of them might remember something about this upcoming weekend. That maybe some of the words that God has put on my heart will make a difference. Maybe it will help them push through a horrible moment in life. Maybe it will help them to finally accept themselves. Maybe it will help them to enjoy a celebration. Or maybe it will just bore the crap out of them. Either way, I am willing to take that risk. I am willing to put it out there for the sake of being effective.

That is what I love about Youth Ministry. The risk taking. The boldness. The energy. The unwillingness to shy away from being real with one another. Sure the regular world creeps in now and again, just as it does in all of our lives. But there is a resiliency in these youth that I don't see everywhere. They bounce back and they shine on each other. Here's the thing, God didn't just make us to serve a purpose that is apart from one another. God didn't make you to write a book that no one reads. Van Gogh wasn't gifted with an amazing ability to paint just so no one would ever see his work. We are made for each other. We are made so that we may be impactful, living examples of God's love for one another. We are made for so much more than just ourselves. We are made to work together. Even if we don't want to. You see, we fit together*. Like pieces of a clock, we fit...together. When we let our light shine for others, we cannot help but impact one another. We are worthy of each other's best light. We are worthy of comfort and understanding when we cannot produce this light, finding ourselves in a dark moment. We are worthy of someone to walk with us. This is obvious to me when I think of my youth. Even if you told me that one of my youth did a wretched thing, I couldn't bring myself to think that they weren't worthy of my best love and life.

I cannot imagine how God feels this for us.

But I have Faith that He looks at each one of us in the same way.

You are worthy.

In that worth, let your light shine so all can see it. Be you! Know your worth. And remind those around you of their's. Be a living example of God's love for one another. Remind others of the Love Jesus came to give.

El Pueblo Viejo

Grief.

From the Latin prefix "Grixes" meaning "to kick"; and the stem "eff" meaning "in the gut."

I don't know Latin. None of that is actually true. Regardless, grief still feels that way. Since this new year has begun, this world has lost two young fathers. Both were 29. Both went to sleep and didn't wake up. Both left two little ones behind. Both had found love, or at least found love again. Both still had parents who were faced with burying their children. Both deaths are heartbreaking.

I am not writing this to deal with the idea of death. As a great song puts it "death is just too full, and man is so small." That is what I need to know of death right now. It is full. I am small.

What I am writing about has to do with death, in the sense that death is the event that has brought this to my attention. But let us let death be what it is; every one's eventual end and that which we know is all present in our lives no matter what we think of it.

What we all must reconcile in our lives is the moment when we are aware of how far away our childhood really is from us today. Losing two childhood friends and thinking about all the people back in my hometown that are dealing with their loss not in memory but in their daily lives, tears me apart. I wish that I could be sitting somewhere on the East side of Tucson right now, maybe Chuy's, maybe Puerta Viallarta, maybe Eeggee's, maybe Luke's or Pat's Chilli Dogs. Maybe I could go back to Fortunato's and get what my mom used to order for me when I was 6; a yoohoo and a bread stick. I could go back to McDonald Park and walk the base paths that I shared with my friend Anthony. I could throw a couple pitches from the little league mound there, and pretend that he is still behind the plate waiting to catch that pitch. I could walk a quarter mile up the road, and walk the track of my high school. I could pick at the grass of the football field, or walk through the locker room were so much time was spent encouraging each other, but also full of pain that is unconscionable. I could find Shem's locker again. I could remember that guy's smile, or the way he could walk up to you and get you to smile within 10 seconds. I wish I could be anywhere in Tucson right now. I wish I could buy my old friends a beer, and just reconnect. But I left. I had my reasons, and I still would make the same decision again if I had the chance. However, I miss my home. I miss the friends who knew me at Tanque Verde, and Emily Grey. Those of us who walked the halls of Sabino, and leaned on each other in some of the darkest times.

What do we do when we start to lose the pieces of our childhood? What do we do when the memories fade, and when we can no longer drive past our old school to re spark our memory? Yesterday, a great man was remembered. I hadn't talked to Anthony since high school, but growing up he was one of my great friends. We were similar in a lot of ways. We could have past for cousins. We played on YMCA Basketball teams together, little league teams, and even a small time on the same football team in high school. In January, my community said goodbye to Shem. Ever since I met Shem in junior high, he was one of the smoothest, funniest guys I had met. All the girls liked him. He was tough. He wouldn't put up with much. But he also just wanted to be people's friend. In both funerals, I pictured who all was there. People for good and bad, I miss seeing. Death is hard enough, but when we think it is not supposed to happen yet, and when it takes away pieces of our childhood; I feel I am at a great loss.

I guess that I am lucky on some level. I remember them with the memories of a child. I remember them full of life, young and ready to take on the world. And in their own ways, they changed the world they lived in. I guess that is all we can hope for in this life. That we can stay connected enough to who we really are, both past and present, to somehow give all we can to the future to make a difference to someone. Maybe memories of our childhood are waiting right around the corner, waiting to bring to life a memory that drives us forward, or maybe a memory that will stop us in our tracks and make us recalculate who we really are. Either way, I believe that we all have that child still in us. They want to be protected, listened to, loved. They want to remind us of the awe we once had for this world. They want to remind us to enjoy the simple things, and to find joy in friendship. They want us to be confident because they fear nothing. (other than imaginary monsters; not quite sure how to deal with those still.) But even when death breaks into our inner child's clubhouse, it is not strong enough to take away the evidence of our lives. Regardless of how much time we have on this on this rock, our presence will still be remembered. Your presence is an honor to be around. Your presence has made a difference. Just you being you. I am getting back to me being me; to honoring the power of my presence as well. And a lot of that has to do with all of you. I love you Tucson. I always will. You will always be home.

Standing By

So I created this blog, who knows, a year ago. And I have never entered a blog post until today. As much as I would like to think the words that I write and the thoughts that I explore in this form of journaling can help others; I have no disillusions. I am writing this for me. Not for you.

Don't take it personal. I promise that I appreciate you. I promise that I love you and always will. But I am writing this because there comes time in my life where I can no longer hold my thoughts inside of this head, and instead of spilling them all over my family and friends, instead of burdening those people closest to me with this uncontainable presence, I will put them in this form. So if you read this, and it's too much for you, know that I gave you warning.



Enough of with the disclaimer.

Onto this first post.


Remember when you were a little kid? Did you have a best friend? And not just a good friend that maybe shared their blocks with you during play time, or got off the swing and gave it to you so you didn't have to wait in the 6 person line just to swing for 3 minutes. But a best friend that has been there in thick and thin. That friend that if a tiger came into the room and attacked you, this friend would grab a pair of kid friendly scissors and find a way to slay the cat. That kind of friend. I have been lucky to have a number of great friends in my life. I have been blessed with some amazing people who have entered into my life, and have left an unmistakably wonderful impression on my heart. But I only have one friend that is the "Cat Slayer." We have been friends since before I can even remember. Literally, it's like I was born, and we were assigned as best friends. We have spent the last 28 years trying to figure out what to do next. We have spent the last 28 years building forts, egging houses, knicker knocking the neighbors, and sharing what our Prom Night experiences were like. But we have never spent a minute of that time figuring out whether or not we would continue to be friends. Not even when I went to California for college and he went to Arizona State. Not even when we hadn't talked in a year or so. Our friendship was never a question.


I am beginning to understand why this friend has been such a source of strength in my life for so long. And it starts with one of the hardest memories I have with him. When I was in 7th Grade, I was out in my backyard building a compost bin for Mr. Naugle's Earth Science class. It started with digging a 10 inch square hole in the ground, and then erecting posts, and eventually enclosing this structure with chicken wire. Well, if any of you have tried to dig a hole in the desert ground in summer you know that 10 inches isn't as easy as it sounds. I had no pick axe, I had no ground breaking tools. I had a shovel, I had my 14 year old muscles, and I had the fear of getting a failing grade in school. Just when I reached the point of giving up, out of the back door of my house, walks my best friend. I was stoked to say the least. Not only did I get to see my best friend unexpectedly, but to be honest, I had someone to help me dig this hole. We went through the normal salutations and catching up, and then we got to digging. We eventually got some sharp rocks from the backyard, got down on our hands and knees, and dug like we were bank robbers. We finally had hit 10 inches. We were covered in sweat, and dirt, and it was still in the mid 90's even as the sun was finding its way behind the mountains for the day. And then my friend said something I will never forget. "My parents are getting a divorce." Now, when you have a best friend like this, you don't just know them. You know their family. You become part of their family. And his mom and sister were my family too. His dad travelled a ton and actually had to work in a different part of the country for an extended amount of time during the year, so I didn't know him as well. But nonetheless, this news was devastating. What came next is what I really want to talk about in this blog. I looked at him, and with some tears in my eyes, I just said, "I am sorry man. Whatever you need, you let me know." And then we built the rest of the compost bin. There were not a lot of words. But there didn't need to be. What had been said was all that each of us needed to say. But just because there were no words, doesn't mean that there wasn't something very important and very powerful happening.


Witnessing. Standing by my friend.


Life is tough. Big secret right. But the thing is, whether or not you accept that life is tough for everyone, it doesn't make the struggles that you go through any easier. Sure there are times were there is strength in numbers. If I was building a house and had to raise the roof on this house, I would like to have about 100 people to help. That would make it easier. But I don't think that this strength in numbers thing works for some of the trials in life. Sure we would like to lessen the load that the people we love carry in their lives. We would surely shoulder the burden of life for those closest to us. But there are times were you can not do that. Literally and wholly; You cannot become that person, experience the unique pain and struggle that they are experiencing, and take over their pain. There are times were actually trying to do this is more harmful than doing nothing. I am going through some trials in life right now. And I am lucky to have people in my life who care enough to ask me how it's going. And what I am even more lucky to have are some people in my life who listen to what is going on, and then they just sit there. No words. No thoughts. No advice. No cliches. Nothing. But even though there is no words, I never doubt that they love me and would still do anything for me.

What these people are doing are being witnesses to my life. They are walking with me not trying to be my guide, but trying to be my fellow walker. They are watching the path that I am travelling on, and not commenting on it, but yet helping me carry on. They are standing by me without the illusion that somehow they have the answer to what is breaking my heart. The fact of the matter is that life doesn't always give us the answers we want to hear. The fact of life is that there are times where answers don't come to solve our problems. The fact is life can be messy and brutal, and it really shows no regard for the wake of destruction it leaves behind.

And sometimes silence is the only response. Sometimes tears, and a tearing heart are the only utterances that we can muster. Sometimes words only add to the wake that has so cruelly deconstructed us. But presence can be a powerful thing. Standing by those we love even as they are being beaten down can be the most love we can ever show another. Sometimes we can look into the eyes of the people we care about and say more in that glance then we ever could with even the greatest of vocabularies. When we solely witness to the people we love, we are showing a reverent amount of respect to their personhood. We are communicating to them that we do not think of ourselves in such a way that believes it can somehow conquer the very thing that our friend is fighting. Because the fact of the matter is, we cannot conquer it. We cannot put their skin on, put their shoes on, and go to war with life for them. Even though all we want to do is everything for them.


Sitting there in the dirt, I instinctively knew that my friend would never ever question my friendship. And knowing that we were going to live long in each other's lives, words weren't necessary. I would be there. In some form or another I would be there.

There are times when we tell someone whom we deeply care about that we worry for them, or that we are concerned for them. And while this is meant with the greatest of regard, it still comes across in a way that is hurtful. Sometimes this is unavoidable. But sometimes it is completely avoidable. We don't have to tell someone we worry for them. We love them. We are their friend, we are their family; THEY KNOW WE ARE WORRIED ABOUT THEM! Sometimes we don't need more judges in our lives. Sometimes we don't need more commentators analyzing what they think of the situation. Sometimes we just need a friend, Someone to lean on. Someone to sit in the sewer with us, and smile through the crap. Sometimes the greatest love we can show is not with our mouth or our words, but with our presence. Your presence is significant. Your presence is important. You don't need to explain yourself. Just be.


Stand by me.


Let me know what you think about my first blog.